how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize