ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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