Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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