people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
