I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
