You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
