I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
