i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
