I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
