i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I need to calm my uterus...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
