Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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