I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize