I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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