I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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