please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
