This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
