I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize