im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
