i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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