genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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