my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
