I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
