Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My balls are so social today.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize