On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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