I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
