We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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