i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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