thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just threw up on my dentist
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
