when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
