god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
