I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
