with your own penis?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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