She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Randomize
