we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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