So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
