got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What a dumb baby whore.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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