You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
do nipples grow back?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
