sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
