My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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