she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
