i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
