Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
