I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
