The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
