How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
