I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
