I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
