Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My life is pants optional.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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