Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
