tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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