only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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