I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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