I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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