Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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