I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
