This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
