btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
