Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
