Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
