My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm having to shit out rocks
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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