Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
