Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She is in my trunk
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think your dad took our porno
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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