I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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