overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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