i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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