dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
