I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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