Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
